There's a lot of advice on the web about how to talk with your parents about moving into a retirement home. Much of it is offered by companies that operate retirement homes. It's generally pretty sensible advice. But it doesn't always prepare you for how tricky these conversations can be.
I had the conversation with my dad several years ago. He was in his nineties, living on his own in a housing co-op in Ottawa, a seven-hour drive from me. He remained quite active, getting out for walks every day, taking painting classes every week. But he'd been diagnosed with end-stage kidney disease. And he also had dementia.
I followed many of the steps you'll find on the web. I looked up assisted living options (using thehealthline.ca), gently shared the concerns I had about his safety, and began an ongoing discussion with him (rather than lecturing him about what he should do). I got him to consider moving to London so that I could offer him support every few days instead of every couple of months. I even got him to agree to spend a week at a retirement home a short distance from my house during a “cruise week” they were running in February. I pitched it as a vacation, an opportunity for him to get out of his townhouse in the middle of winter, meet some new people, and do some fun activities.
Things were falling into place. I got him to commit to the cruise week, then bought two return plane tickets: one for him and one for me, so that I could go to pick him up in Ottawa. I figured having two non-refundable tickets in hand would prevent him from backing out at the last minute.
When I called to remind him a week before the trip, I could tell that he was having second thoughts (and that he couldn't remember the original discussion). But then I reminded him I'd bought two non-refundable tickets and booked a week’s accommodation, so he let it go.
In the end, things did not go as planned. The day I went to pick him up, he dug in his heels. He wasn't going. He offered to write me a cheque to cover the cost of his ticket. I came back to London on my own.
Many months later, my dad did move to London, permanently. To the very retirement home he stood up, in fact. But what the episode of the failed cruise week taught me was that deep down he was afraid. Afraid of losing control. Afraid of finding himself in unfamiliar surroundings with unfamiliar people when he could no longer fully rely on his brain to function normally.
It’s hard to say what brought him around in the end. Perhaps it was that we kept the conversation going. Perhaps it was that my wife told him I was losing sleep over him. Maybe it was something else entirely.
According to an article on the topic, posted by United Methodist Homes in Connecticut, “The only way you’re going to know exactly how your parents are feeling is if you could crawl into their brain and sense their emotions. The next best way is to actively listen to their fears and concerns, not speaking but focusing on their message; putting your emotions aside. Also, consider that your parents may already be receptive to this change and merely want to use this forum to be heard.”
The article does a good job of exploring the emotional dynamics at play in conversations like these.
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